NIght brings days of the unknown

One night... (2016)
in late January I suddenly notice the commode was filled with red paint and wondered if I mistakenly poured my acrylics there. It was blood, my blood. Scared, I went to the urgent care clinic, and was advised to see a urologist asap. Right. It took a month to get an appointment with the doctor during which he decided I needed a series of tests, CT scan of my kidneys and urinary system. That test showed a bladder tumor, a suspicious one. Possibly cancerous. Next week I have surgery to find and remove the tumor and see how serious the problem is, what need be done next. How do I feel? Accepting the fact that I have cancer. I have not accepted what might happen if the prognosis is dire. I want to buy lots of stuff, take a round the world cruise, and give money to poor people who need it. I want to travel to places I have not been. Life is even shorter than I expected. I haven't felt, or let myself feel. No emotions, no angry, no crying. I'm good at walling the bad stuff away, on the surface. It's there, and I fear when it will emerge whether I consciously let it out or not.
I have lots of support from family, Jan and Bob. I am very private, want no one to know until I have to, if I have to do so.
I will have to wait until next week when the doctor gives me the results to make decisions about what happens next in my life. I don't like the unknown. Maybe that's why I hated algebra. Who cares what "x" is. If it wants to be alone, let it.

March 14 Today I got...the results of the tests, biopsy, etc. The tumor was a high grade cancer, tends to grow and reoccur. Have another surgery in 2 weeks to be sure the muscle of the bladder isn't involved. Then the surgeon recommended a treatment called BCG, immunotherapy, that makes cells to kill the cancer cells that might reform or be there. I will have that for a year at various intervals, starting once a week after the surgery. BCG injected through a catheter, in the office. That treatment has been successful about 60% of the time. That's all I know now. I have cancelled my classes where I was teaching. I will cancel my classes I was taking, and my volunteer work. I might resume those activities in May or June if the therapy is working.
My bucket list is looming large. I want to travel a lot. I don't know what my future will be. Doctor is encouraging about the therapy,and he thinks I'll be ok with monitoring of my bladder. But why waste time? I want to travel as much as possible while I can. Not just because of the cancer, but my age. At 71, soon to be 72 in June, time might be short.