I'm still here.

Where and why are fuzzy. I feel different. Anticipatory. Good and bad possibilities. I dwell on the past too much, worry about the future. My meditation app helps me with mindfulness, being in the present. It's quite useful, called "Calm. I do two a day, sometimes even a sleep story when I go to bed. Usually, though, reading a mystery helps. I know I'll find out how that ends. It's life that the unsolvable mystery. Don't feel like eating so much. Don't like to cook anymore, not that I really ever did. But it seems too repetitious. My life everyday the same. Tired of my classes because they repeat. Will take fewer next semester. Keep the Spanish for sure. Maybe jewelry. Not sure about literature. Don't want to go 3 days a week. Need alone time at home to work on jewelry, painting, reading.

Bladder cancer treatments are in February and August 2018, then only once a year as long as there is not recurrence.

I want to write my life. I will try, and if I fail, that's okay, too.

October 1, 2017

My mother died today 4 years ago. Apologies to Camus. Long time, yet I think of her everyday in some form or fashion for some reason. I'll see an Italian name in the dead notices one morning that is one she would have know of. The family would have probably lived in the Sicilian neighborhood in the French Quarter.  Or I'll see her picture on the wall in my home office.
I'm retired now from teaching at Northwood Univ. They are closing down, going online only due to low numbers. They can make more money that way. Put 25 in a class rather than 10. I am enjoying it.
Taking jewelry making, Spanish, and literature at the People Program now. I would like to be making money to pay off bills before Jan retires. Then we can travel in 1.5 years.
Good diagnosis on my bladder cancer, no return, treatments are working. Go back for more in February. Bad diagnosis of AMD in left eye, getting shots every 2 months. Also diagnosis of glaucoma for which I use eye drops once a day. So far it's under control. Scary to have both since they each take away different part of vision.
We totally remodeled our master bath , and it's lovely. Walk in glass door shower with rain shower head and regular shower head. Tiles pretty, floor is rocks in the shower. Need to pay off bills for it, including Bob's money he lent us.
I'm happy with Jan, and we plan to travel this fall and summer. Ireland in the summer.

1.5 years of treatment

After 1.5 years of treatment for my bladder cancer, which has not returned. I will have another cystoscope this week to determine the effect again. Then I will have 3 more BCG treatments. AFter that I can wait 6 months before another test and another set of treatments, as long as no new cancer cells have grown.
I am very relieived about the 6 months. The effect of the treatments are not pleasant, but I don't have cancer, so I can take it.

Jan and I are doing well. She has a new job and new stress, but she's happier.
....
.

Soongson5678

Soongson5678
More where that came from..

When I was at Karr school, we got a dialup internet connection in my office and in the library with a flipswitch. Thanks to Tulane University, we received a grant and email addresses for the connection. At that time it was only text, no mouse, no graphics, no windows. We got online via Kermit and connected. Yes, we could surf the net, look up words, topics, but all we got were text links. At the time, it was fascinating. One student, Michael Smolen, loved it so much, he could not wait to get online. He eventually became a computer major at Tulane and is currently doing quite well in that field.
The secret code was, "Ms. Tiller, please "flip the switch." Occassionally when the secretary wouldn't allow Michael to come to my office, he would just stick his head in the hall and make the sign for flip the switch with his fingers. We laughed a lot about that over the 2 years back in the days of Kermit.

Michael always wanted to know my password, but I never told him though he tried to guess. It was "soongson" what I derived from Star Trek's Data. His creator/father was Dr. Noonion Soong. So Data was Soong's son....Soongson.

It's not important anymore, but I still hear from Michael and his family in DC. I wonder if I should tell him the password or if he'd even care now. :)
.....

It's been 16 months

After the three surgeries for bladder cancer, I am now cancer free. The BCG treatments have kept the cancer from growing back so far. I have had treatments every three months for a year, and I'll cut that to every six months starting in August unless cancer cells are detected. I'm very happy that the treatment is working, and I feel much relieved now. It's still difficult for me to believe it has happened.
The same feelings are what I have about my macular degeneration in the left eye. I cannot see with it, but so far my right eye vision is unaffected by the wet MD. I want to travel and see as much as I can before eyes get worse. I may be able to do that starting this year and next summer as well. Ireland in our hope for next summer. Costa Rica for the fall, maybe.
Jan has a new job about which she is very happy. After a couple of years, we hope to retire to another country, Spanish -speaking. Taking classes and studying to learn Spanish is our plan for now.
I'll be 73 on June 27, and the age is making me worry and be depressed. I am still working partime adjunct teaching English at Northwood, but that will end October 17, 2017. Then I will be fully retired and enjoying it. I like teaching the adults, but I want more alone time to do whatever I feel like. Making jewelry, painting, and studying Spanish.

Tests continue

October 26,2016
Next Wednesday I will again have the cystoscopy to determine whether my bladder cancer has returned. Whatever the results, I will have a series of three immunotheraphy treatments in November as a preventative. If not good, I will start again with 6 treatments, then retesting.
I am used to living with this regime. I plan to begin teaching partime again in May, 2017.
Jan and I are making plans for retirement away from the US, but nothing is for sure at this point. Beginning investigations began when we saw the rise of Trump. Now we will wait a couple of years. More planning time.
.....
Nov 2 Today is the day I go get the cytoscopy test to see if cancer has returned. Then I start treatments again for either 3 or 6 weeks. I hope if they find it, I don't have to do another surgery.
Jan has an audition for a job that would take her on the road for 6 months. A long shot, but it will be good and bad for us. If she gets it, the good, I hope, will outweigh the bad aspects.

We may go to Houston for Thanksgiving if we can. 3 days. Not too long a drive. Elaine invited us.
.....

March 18, 2016
By 2022 all cars must have automatic braking systems. If I'm still around, I might just keep my Maxda 3s Grand Touring longer. I have another surgery on March 30, to check for bladder muscle tissue that is cancerous or cancer free. Then about a 3 week recovery from that before I start treatments weekly, immunotherapy.
Having quit my jobs, activities, volunteering, I am totally free to sit home and worry about the future. I am being very positive though.  I got my hair colored today so I care how I look still. Last night I moved the clocks forward for daylight savings time. Another good sign I expect to be have a future.  Last night I was losing it, making a necklace, not eating, and grouchy. Luckily for Jan, she was at rehearsal.
Today I went to the store and bought food for myself. Frozen dinners, easy to fix. I am took tired to bother cooking, especially for just me. After Jan's show, I will be cooking for both of us, or she will. I know I will eat more. I could go to restaurants, but I'm not in a good enough mood sometimes.
I'm going to take a nap now; Gracie is curled up next to me. Cats seem to know that and when you need comforting.