BCG is working! Yea.

Before dinner while looking at menus, I decided, in an emotional moment that made me cry, to have a glass of champagne to celebrate my treatment results. It's working. Effects are difficult for first day, but it's worth it. I hadn't cried at all when I got the diagnosis, stayed emotionally strong, acted like I knew it would be all right. I didn't. But when I was looking at the wine menu, I had this fuck it all triumphal feeling that I deserved to buy champagne. I was strong and had beaten the cancer so far, and I would be OK. It was a good feeling, but it made me realize how cold and detached I had become because of fear.
I realized I was happy and deserved to celebrate.
Laverne still checks up on me frequently, and she is still my hero.
Jan and I are going to Eureka Springs, AR in June. It's a small town, but it has a great treehouse/cave place made as a hotel. We are staying in a Hobbit's cave that is fully equipped, including wifi, usual amenities for a hotel. Should be a fun change of pace, surroundings, cool in the mountains, at least an night. Driving always scares me, but I'll be okay. It's a 2 day drive. Jan would make it in 1.
...

After treatment

My first BCG treatment was very easy. I have another this week, and I am not concerned about it at all. It took 5 minutes for the medicine to get in my bladder via catheter. My next hurdle is to find out if the treatment is working and keeping new cancer from forming. I should know in the next couple of weeks.
In June we are going to drive to Eureka Springs, Arkansas for a 3 or 4 day trip getaway. I hope to not be bothered by side effects and enjoy the time.  Right now I am feeling no ill effects, haven't had to take the pain pills.

Laverne sent me a book about dealing with death and living everyday fully no matter what. It's interesting.

Waiting is difficult...

It has been since March 30 that I had my second surgery for bladder cancer, but I have yet to have my first BCG treatment. It was delayed because the appointment wasn't made; then they ran out of saline solution and didn't order more in time. My appt. now is Monday at 10:00 PM. It was supposed to be last Wednesday. I'm getting really tired of waiting. It might interfere with our vacation plans for June in Eureka Springs.
Long term I want to begin treatment so that I will know whether it is going to work or not. That is my most serious worry. It's not that I think about it all the time at least, not consciously. But I have had very unusual dreams about death, not mine, but still related in a way.
I've been working on my jewelry creations; that's always a great escape. I will start painting again this summer as well.
Generally I am feeling old and weak and unwell--mentally. Physically, yes, I'm not as quick as I was to move around, but I exercise at home and walk. What it really is that I feel my mortality, realize what few years I have remaining, even if it's 15 or 20.