Tests continue

October 26,2016
Next Wednesday I will again have the cystoscopy to determine whether my bladder cancer has returned. Whatever the results, I will have a series of three immunotheraphy treatments in November as a preventative. If not good, I will start again with 6 treatments, then retesting.
I am used to living with this regime. I plan to begin teaching partime again in May, 2017.
Jan and I are making plans for retirement away from the US, but nothing is for sure at this point. Beginning investigations began when we saw the rise of Trump. Now we will wait a couple of years. More planning time.
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Nov 2 Today is the day I go get the cytoscopy test to see if cancer has returned. Then I start treatments again for either 3 or 6 weeks. I hope if they find it, I don't have to do another surgery.
Jan has an audition for a job that would take her on the road for 6 months. A long shot, but it will be good and bad for us. If she gets it, the good, I hope, will outweigh the bad aspects.

We may go to Houston for Thanksgiving if we can. 3 days. Not too long a drive. Elaine invited us.
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March 18, 2016
By 2022 all cars must have automatic braking systems. If I'm still around, I might just keep my Maxda 3s Grand Touring longer. I have another surgery on March 30, to check for bladder muscle tissue that is cancerous or cancer free. Then about a 3 week recovery from that before I start treatments weekly, immunotherapy.
Having quit my jobs, activities, volunteering, I am totally free to sit home and worry about the future. I am being very positive though.  I got my hair colored today so I care how I look still. Last night I moved the clocks forward for daylight savings time. Another good sign I expect to be have a future.  Last night I was losing it, making a necklace, not eating, and grouchy. Luckily for Jan, she was at rehearsal.
Today I went to the store and bought food for myself. Frozen dinners, easy to fix. I am took tired to bother cooking, especially for just me. After Jan's show, I will be cooking for both of us, or she will. I know I will eat more. I could go to restaurants, but I'm not in a good enough mood sometimes.
I'm going to take a nap now; Gracie is curled up next to me. Cats seem to know that and when you need comforting.

It's now August. I am cancer free so far and will be tested again early November. Treatments are working. I also have had other medical issues, eyes, heart, but all are clear now. No worries. Writing about the bladder cancer has been very helpful. I advise anyone dealing with a medical issue that requires waiting for results, worrying about what will happen, to journal about their experiences.
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My new learning experience is Spanish. I am also still learning to make jewelry in my weekly class. The Spanish conversation class is quite fun as I talk the best I can with my limited vocabulary to others who want to learn. It's a 3rd level conversation course taught only in Spanish. Challenging and fun.
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I believe I will start a new topic as the "One night" posts were specifically about my illness.
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After 6

I had my 6th treatment of BCG today to keep my bladder cancer from returning. I get a month off, then get tested (cystoscope) to see if it has returned. If not, then I get 2 months off, and 3 weeks of treatment and another cystoscope. That would continue for a year and beyond with less frequency if no cancer cells grow.
I am relieved to have that month off from weekly treatments, and I will feel ok after the frequency and pain go away, and they will by tomorrow in my experience.
J has some medical issues about which I am more worried than I am about myself. No cruise this year. We spent 3 days in the Ozarks, Eureka Springs and enjoyed it. Jan is at a conference in New York, small town, with Waldorf music people.

NIght brings days of the unknown

One night... (2016)
in late January I suddenly notice the commode was filled with red paint and wondered if I mistakenly poured my acrylics there. It was blood, my blood. Scared, I went to the urgent care clinic, and was advised to see a urologist asap. Right. It took a month to get an appointment with the doctor during which he decided I needed a series of tests, CT scan of my kidneys and urinary system. That test showed a bladder tumor, a suspicious one. Possibly cancerous. Next week I have surgery to find and remove the tumor and see how serious the problem is, what need be done next. How do I feel? Accepting the fact that I have cancer. I have not accepted what might happen if the prognosis is dire. I want to buy lots of stuff, take a round the world cruise, and give money to poor people who need it. I want to travel to places I have not been. Life is even shorter than I expected. I haven't felt, or let myself feel. No emotions, no angry, no crying. I'm good at walling the bad stuff away, on the surface. It's there, and I fear when it will emerge whether I consciously let it out or not.
I have lots of support from family, Jan and Bob. I am very private, want no one to know until I have to, if I have to do so.
I will have to wait until next week when the doctor gives me the results to make decisions about what happens next in my life. I don't like the unknown. Maybe that's why I hated algebra. Who cares what "x" is. If it wants to be alone, let it.

March 14 Today I got...the results of the tests, biopsy, etc. The tumor was a high grade cancer, tends to grow and reoccur. Have another surgery in 2 weeks to be sure the muscle of the bladder isn't involved. Then the surgeon recommended a treatment called BCG, immunotherapy, that makes cells to kill the cancer cells that might reform or be there. I will have that for a year at various intervals, starting once a week after the surgery. BCG injected through a catheter, in the office. That treatment has been successful about 60% of the time. That's all I know now. I have cancelled my classes where I was teaching. I will cancel my classes I was taking, and my volunteer work. I might resume those activities in May or June if the therapy is working.
My bucket list is looming large. I want to travel a lot. I don't know what my future will be. Doctor is encouraging about the therapy,and he thinks I'll be ok with monitoring of my bladder. But why waste time? I want to travel as much as possible while I can. Not just because of the cancer, but my age. At 71, soon to be 72 in June, time might be short.

The after time

After my diagnosis of bladder cancer, I was at first stunned. Now several months later with a good prognosis and good treatment success, I am able to relax. We are on vacation in Eureka Springs, AR and loving it. We are staying in a hobbit cave. Made into a great room with bath, 2 person shower, and hot tub. Kitchen is fully furnished. We are very relaxed and  both needed it.
What our return will bring is unsure, but we will take care of health issues soon. I have another treatment on Monday. We return on Sunday, June 19.
My 72nd birthday is June 27. Wow.
We just got out of the hot tub, and are going to bed early so as to drive back home.
All is well tonight. The food is spectacular. People are friendly. It's very hot, in the 90's. Not what we expected for in the mountains. But it's hilly walking up and down streets, and that's the change of scenery we wanted. Just ot do what we wanted for a couple of days. No substiture for a European trip, but we can afford this.
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BCG is working! Yea.

Before dinner while looking at menus, I decided, in an emotional moment that made me cry, to have a glass of champagne to celebrate my treatment results. It's working. Effects are difficult for first day, but it's worth it. I hadn't cried at all when I got the diagnosis, stayed emotionally strong, acted like I knew it would be all right. I didn't. But when I was looking at the wine menu, I had this fuck it all triumphal feeling that I deserved to buy champagne. I was strong and had beaten the cancer so far, and I would be OK. It was a good feeling, but it made me realize how cold and detached I had become because of fear.
I realized I was happy and deserved to celebrate.
Laverne still checks up on me frequently, and she is still my hero.
Jan and I are going to Eureka Springs, AR in June. It's a small town, but it has a great treehouse/cave place made as a hotel. We are staying in a Hobbit's cave that is fully equipped, including wifi, usual amenities for a hotel. Should be a fun change of pace, surroundings, cool in the mountains, at least an night. Driving always scares me, but I'll be okay. It's a 2 day drive. Jan would make it in 1.
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After treatment

My first BCG treatment was very easy. I have another this week, and I am not concerned about it at all. It took 5 minutes for the medicine to get in my bladder via catheter. My next hurdle is to find out if the treatment is working and keeping new cancer from forming. I should know in the next couple of weeks.
In June we are going to drive to Eureka Springs, Arkansas for a 3 or 4 day trip getaway. I hope to not be bothered by side effects and enjoy the time.  Right now I am feeling no ill effects, haven't had to take the pain pills.

Laverne sent me a book about dealing with death and living everyday fully no matter what. It's interesting.

Waiting is difficult...

It has been since March 30 that I had my second surgery for bladder cancer, but I have yet to have my first BCG treatment. It was delayed because the appointment wasn't made; then they ran out of saline solution and didn't order more in time. My appt. now is Monday at 10:00 PM. It was supposed to be last Wednesday. I'm getting really tired of waiting. It might interfere with our vacation plans for June in Eureka Springs.
Long term I want to begin treatment so that I will know whether it is going to work or not. That is my most serious worry. It's not that I think about it all the time at least, not consciously. But I have had very unusual dreams about death, not mine, but still related in a way.
I've been working on my jewelry creations; that's always a great escape. I will start painting again this summer as well.
Generally I am feeling old and weak and unwell--mentally. Physically, yes, I'm not as quick as I was to move around, but I exercise at home and walk. What it really is that I feel my mortality, realize what few years I have remaining, even if it's 15 or 20.

I am feeling very well today. I made myself go to jewelry class yesterday, and I really enjoyed learning stuff and seeing old friends from class. I think I can go on with my life as long as the BCG treatments keep the cancer away. Those start in 2 weeks. Once the first one is over and I know I can stand it, I'll be okay. Especially if I know they are doing some good.

Penny, a teacher I knew from McMain was recently diagnosed with dementia, and she's only a few years older than I. It's so sad. She was a smart, great social studies teacher who now will be in an assisted living home after she's out of the hospital. She has family who will care for her. I wonder which is worst, my bladder cancer or her dementia. Would I trade, NO. It helped me put my situation in perspective. Laverne's condition also makes me realize that I can handle whatever happens with my health.  She is so courageous and continues to help others, like me, whenever she can. My hero.

I'm  going to work on jewelry today. The teacher said I should start selling on Etsy because I am doing so well. Small world on the Westbank. She knows Hiser and Connie Serrette. Interesting. Carolyn Badon is a good woman.

Scared last night. Woke up thinking about how cancer could spread to other organs, grow back quickly if treatments don't work. Envisioned colon, stomach and other cancers, then death.

I feel better this morning. Mentally, emotionally, but still feel up in the air about everything.
I hope this gets better soon, or I shall keep sinking, need to ask for help.

latest

Dr. Glass said that pathology found no cancer in the muscle tissue where the tumor was. Also that other spot that looked suspicious came back cancer free. All very good news. Next is the treatment schedule, one a week for six weeks, checkups every three months. If it works, I would continue treatments on a modified scale for many years. If not, bladder removal is recommended. I don't want that, but...I didn't want the cancer either. More that a 50/50 chance treatment works according to Dr. Glass. He's a good doctor, a good man.

Jan and I are hoping to take  a cruise in June.

April 1, 2016
I had another surgery on Wednesday to get a look at muscle tissue in my bladder. No results until Monday. See Dr. Glass on Wednesday afternoon. It was much easier on my this time, shorter procedure, easier recovery so far. I still feel vulnerable and that I should rush to do everything I want to do now before it's too late. I must choose between resuming normal job and other activities in June or just being lazy and doing what I want. It's a life view choice.
Jan had skin cancer and had a treatment for that and a removal of a growth on her face. She's ok, but that increases my vulnerability view for the both of us.

Is this the rest of my life? I do have a choice of what to do with it. I have to think. If the immunotherapy treatment works, I should be ok getting checked frequently for cancer return.
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